Listen, you don't get it, okay? It's not a big deal. We're just wired differently.
(One day Izuku might actually want those people he's attracted to and he'd be in his right to. It's not like they're dating. They promised to do this sex thing for the benefit of Izuku's feeding cycle. Katsuki wasn't dumb. He wasn't going to trick himself into thinking this was something more than that.)
I'm a means to an end and anyone you find attractive could take my place. It's just how it is. So. (He's...! Not bitter or anything!)
(Oh shit. Now he feels a flicker of guilt and a bit of shame too because Izuku was right. He was the one who suggested this in the first place. But it was to save Izuku. Because Izuku would have starved to death otherwise. Then again the sex thing...That was a choice he had made too.)
Don't cry. I'm just-. (Trying to avoid heartbreak??? He can't say that.)
C'mon, Deku. (He tries to reach out to Izuku, one hand going to his shoulder. Please go back to holding him...!)
I-I don't get why you keep s-saying I'll s-sleep with anyone j-just because I think p-people look attractive? T-that's not - w-why do you think I'm so - ?
[ He's not even sure. Slutty? It feels kind of weird to be told the second he says someone is attractive that he's going to go sleep with them instead. ]
I-I'm not "wired" like you keep saying.
[ If he was, he'd be sleeping with half the game. They're very attractive people around these parts? But he's obsessing over Katsuki instead for a reason. ]
That's not what I'm saying. I'm just-. (How to talk about this in a way that doesn't make a crush super obvious.)
You said you flirted with people. And you find them attractive. I just am saying I feel awkward because it's probably weird that I don't.
(Find other people attractive. Was he just not looking enough? He doesn't know. He didn't really want to look.)
I don't want to make you feel weird. (SEE LIKE...He's jealous okay! He has no idea how to deal with competition. Other very attractive people had good personalities. Less complicated histories. He hadn't even noticed because he hadn't really been looking. Sometimes relationship insecurity just comes from not having a relationship to begin with.)
I'm the weird one, okay? It's normal to find other people attractive. Whatever. There's nothing bad about that. I should probably just like - try to fucking do the same and be less goddamn weird.
Thinking people are attractive is different from being attracted to them!
[ Which maybe Katsuki doesn't totally get because of the whole attracted to one person thing, but for Izuku he can look at someone and go "oh, they're attractive" and it just ends there. No desire to act upon the thought. ]
(It likely is that. That and Katsuki projecting insecurities that since they weren’t actually together, he figured there was an entirely real possibility that Izuku could wind up wanting one of those attractive people. Especially being an incubus. It didn’t help that they were hooking up for practical reasons.
Katsuki falls silent, frowning.)
Obviously I’m sticking with you. You ain’t the one on the lopsided part of this equation.
(He also selfishly wanted to be the only person Izuku was attracted to because who would he be if he didn’t want to be the supreme winner!)
[ Maybe they should storm off and not talk. But Katsuki chased him and.... ]
D-do you really think that little of me? T-that I'm just. You just think I -
[ Have no sense of loyalty or...that he's loose or...he doesn't know how to take it. It's stressing him out that Katsuki kept implying finding someone attractive would somehow lead to Izuku sleeping with them or something when they both agreed to keep things between just them.
It's not what Katsuki actually means here, probably, but it's how Izuku keeps hearing it and he's trying to navigate that and he's desperate for the person he cares about most in the world to...not think that way about him, because that isn't who he is. And he thought they both knew it.
He's sure they did. They agreed, didn't they? So...so... ]
T-that I'm just, you really think I'm just - why would you - why would you do any of this with me if you thought like that? I just, I have it wrong, don't I? You can't really. Think like that about me, you can't, because -
Fuckin…! It isn’t you I think so little of! It’s me!
(Annnd he is screaming now, something fierce burning in his eyes.)
You’re the only person I notice like that. (His voice goes soft, vulnerable.) I don’t look at other people like that. I don’t care if they are aesthetically pleasing.
But you do. And that means what if one day you are looking at someone like that who has always treated you good and you realized you do want that? I can’t compete with that. We made an arrangement but what if…
(Izuku gets a crush. He knew Izuku wouldn’t go against their promise but he could always end it too.)
And I feel fuckin’ weird because I don’t understand myself. I know I’m the weird one with this. I know people find other people attractive. It’s just fucking hard, okay?
I-I don't - t-the only part of that I think is weird is that you think I'm attractive compared to like...other people we know?
[ He knows it might not be """normal""" but honestly he has no idea if it is or isn't and doesn't really care specifically about it. He's only weirded out about him being the target of it because he's got some insecurity himself and is not used to the idea he's attractive... ]
See? Like that shit right there. The fuck does that even mean? I don’t know who you are nutting up over so much. You find our classmates attractive. I don’t. So, whatever.
(Jealousy is the Worst.)
I’m not fucking comparing people in my head. It’s just fucking you.
(Which is dangerously close to a confession.)
It’s always just you for me. That’s fucking it.
(Even closer?! But he is turning away, kind of wanting to vomit because he is fully aware of how pathetic he sounded.)
(That at least gets through some thick part of his head. His eyes widen in soft realization and then a bit of color begins to flush across his cheeks.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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(He grimaces, but not entirely out of pain. Mostly surprise.)
The hell you saying?
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[ Izuku is still hiding his face. ]
W-we agreed to just have it be us. Didn't we?
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Tch. Haven't you been listening? I already said I don't find anyone but you attractive.
(He rolls his eyes but winds up wrapping an arm around Izuku's waist.)
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[ He feels like if he lets go Katsuki might disappear...anxiety. ]
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(He knew this REALISTICALLY.)
Listen, you don't get it, okay? It's not a big deal. We're just wired differently.
(One day Izuku might actually want those people he's attracted to and he'd be in his right to. It's not like they're dating. They promised to do this sex thing for the benefit of Izuku's feeding cycle. Katsuki wasn't dumb. He wasn't going to trick himself into thinking this was something more than that.)
I'm a means to an end and anyone you find attractive could take my place. It's just how it is. So. (He's...! Not bitter or anything!)
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[ OK he is now crying, because he's Izuku Midoriya and he can't help himself.
He is letting go to scrub at his face though. ]
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Don't cry. I'm just-. (Trying to avoid heartbreak??? He can't say that.)
C'mon, Deku. (He tries to reach out to Izuku, one hand going to his shoulder. Please go back to holding him...!)
I'm sorry.
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[ He's not even sure. Slutty? It feels kind of weird to be told the second he says someone is attractive that he's going to go sleep with them instead. ]
I-I'm not "wired" like you keep saying.
[ If he was, he'd be sleeping with half the game. They're very attractive people around these parts? But he's obsessing over Katsuki instead for a reason. ]
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You said you flirted with people. And you find them attractive. I just am saying I feel awkward because it's probably weird that I don't.
(Find other people attractive. Was he just not looking enough? He doesn't know. He didn't really want to look.)
I don't want to make you feel weird. (SEE LIKE...He's jealous okay! He has no idea how to deal with competition. Other very attractive people had good personalities. Less complicated histories. He hadn't even noticed because he hadn't really been looking. Sometimes relationship insecurity just comes from not having a relationship to begin with.)
I'm the weird one, okay? It's normal to find other people attractive. Whatever. There's nothing bad about that. I should probably just like - try to fucking do the same and be less goddamn weird.
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[ He is a little bit worried he might lose it if Katsuki tries but look. ]
And I don't flirt with people!
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(Asking for a friend.)
You said you did!
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[ Also he is still crying. ]
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(He just! Didn’t want this to be so one sided!)
I’m only attracted to you but you’re not only attracted to me. Isn’t that weird? For me?
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[ Which maybe Katsuki doesn't totally get because of the whole attracted to one person thing, but for Izuku he can look at someone and go "oh, they're attractive" and it just ends there. No desire to act upon the thought. ]
I-I don't care as long as you stay with me.
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Katsuki falls silent, frowning.)
Obviously I’m sticking with you. You ain’t the one on the lopsided part of this equation.
(He also selfishly wanted to be the only person Izuku was attracted to because who would he be if he didn’t want to be the supreme winner!)
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[ It's just a fact. ]
But so what? Why does it matter if I think someone is aesthetically pleasing and you don't? It doesn't change anything or put anything out of balance.
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(…He doesn’t want to be replaced. The words die in his mouth and he grimaces at the floor.)
Fuck. Just forget about it. You don’t get it. I’m going to my room.
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[ Maybe they should storm off and not talk. But Katsuki chased him and.... ]
D-do you really think that little of me? T-that I'm just. You just think I -
[ Have no sense of loyalty or...that he's loose or...he doesn't know how to take it. It's stressing him out that Katsuki kept implying finding someone attractive would somehow lead to Izuku sleeping with them or something when they both agreed to keep things between just them.
It's not what Katsuki actually means here, probably, but it's how Izuku keeps hearing it and he's trying to navigate that and he's desperate for the person he cares about most in the world to...not think that way about him, because that isn't who he is. And he thought they both knew it.
He's sure they did. They agreed, didn't they? So...so... ]
T-that I'm just, you really think I'm just - why would you - why would you do any of this with me if you thought like that? I just, I have it wrong, don't I? You can't really. Think like that about me, you can't, because -
[ He wants to know for sure he's misunderstood? ]
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(Annnd he is screaming now, something fierce burning in his eyes.)
You’re the only person I notice like that. (His voice goes soft, vulnerable.) I don’t look at other people like that. I don’t care if they are aesthetically pleasing.
But you do. And that means what if one day you are looking at someone like that who has always treated you good and you realized you do want that? I can’t compete with that. We made an arrangement but what if…
(Izuku gets a crush. He knew Izuku wouldn’t go against their promise but he could always end it too.)
And I feel fuckin’ weird because I don’t understand myself. I know I’m the weird one with this. I know people find other people attractive. It’s just fucking hard, okay?
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[ He knows it might not be """normal""" but honestly he has no idea if it is or isn't and doesn't really care specifically about it. He's only weirded out about him being the target of it because he's got some insecurity himself and is not used to the idea he's attractive... ]
B-but you're still - I can make my own choices??
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(Jealousy is the Worst.)
I’m not fucking comparing people in my head. It’s just fucking you.
(Which is dangerously close to a confession.)
It’s always just you for me. That’s fucking it.
(Even closer?! But he is turning away, kind of wanting to vomit because he is fully aware of how pathetic he sounded.)
Yeah, I fuckin’ know.
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[ This is...a lot more than that. ]
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Wait. Really?
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[ He chose to feed manually...which wasn't something he would have done with someone else... ]
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(This is an awkward admittance but at least they are maybe getting somewhere now?)
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