(It is tough to navigate. Especially when neither of them were ready to confess to painfully obvious romantic emotions. Katsuki wasn't ready to risk that - especially since he had already been hamfisted about this exact subject before and caused that first rift.
Katsuki snorts at the very idea of all that nonsense.)
Hell no. (At least he didn't really think so. He can't imagine it. But maybe he did, in some universe, get over Izuku if Izuku got with someone else.)
But I also wouldn't just say yes to whoever asked me out just 'cause they care about me. (Then again...) Or maybe I would back home. I dunno. I've never had anyone ask me out either so the fuck do I know.
Well, neither have I. And I don't...I wouldn't say yes. But I guess I'm just trying to understand how it happened to another version of me...
[ While fighting off a lot of fears he's not sure he can share with Katsuki. Even just talking about this feels hard.
He's scared Katsuki is blaming him for it. It's...hard to tell if Katsuki is just angry at the thought of the future, or if he's back to being angry at Izuku for something that isn't happening right now. It feels weirdly like being on trial about his feelings, and he's not sure how to get them across. Does a future alternate version of himself dating someone else mean Katsuki's going to hold it against him, or...he can tell Katsuki is trying to be calm, but he can also tell Katsuki isn't happy.
He trails off, debating what to say. The fear and hesitance is obvious in his hunched shoulder posture, in the way he's looking at their kitchen floor. ]
G-going on a few dates with someone...isn't exactly...I mean, it's...maybe I would have agreed to go on a date with someone else if you hadn't been here, but...that doesn't mean it would have gone anywhere. And...I, um. I don't think it ever could have. Not unless...something was very different.
(The thing is Katsuki isn't really angry. That isn't the right word for it. He's just jealous. He's jealous of the idea of Izuku saying yes to other people, dating other people, because - well. He loves him. He likes him. Why would he want to think of that or hear that? And he didn't want Izuku to take his jealousy the wrong way, but he also couldn't pretend like it wasn't there either. He couldn't pretend like he was fine or indifferent to the idea of Izuku dating other people.
Mostly because at the end of the day, Katsuki wasn't a liar and had no interest in being one. Even if it was maybe for the best sometimes. And okay, he was avoiding being completely honest by just confessing.)
Yeah. (A mumble. He sighs.)
You don't gotta look like I'm gonna chew off your head for it. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. (He...hated it! But like.)
How I feel is that...I don't want to date anyone from our class back home...or, uh, anyone we've met here. Whatever the older me did, I...don't think he's married to one of our classmates.
[ He can't be sure. But...he's kind of sure. ]
Um. Even if he was, it wouldn't be the future I want.
And how I feel is I'm never gonna be happy about you dating other people or being open to dating other people. I don't wanna feel guilty every time I feel jealous over that shit.
(So.)
How would you feel if I was open to dating other people?
(A blunt question because, well, he had to deal with listening to Izuku talk about how he would date other people under certain circumstances, so! A fair question maybe. And he stares at Izuku when he asks it.)
In general. Not right now, obviously. But what if I was standing here telling you maybe I would have dated other people too?
(Thing is - Katsuki was fairly sure of who future him was married to as well because, unlike Izuku, he really can't imagine saying yes to a date with anyone but Izuku.)
[ Dating other people. He can see how it would have happened. He can even picture Katsuki dating someone else - he always kind of figured Katsuki would just ace romance if he ever decided he wanted it, and of course it probably would be with someone amazing... ]
And, uh. I guess I - I always figured you would. Until...er, when you told me you didn't have...an interest. I mean, I never thought you were into anyone in particular, but I just always assumed someday you'd get a - well, I assumed a girlfriend or a boyfriend because I didn't know until we got here you were exclusively into guys? So I just kind of assumed, er, well, when we were kids I figured it would be someone strong and cool, and I decided I would be happy for you if you were happy. I thought about it sometimes. I think about almost everything a lot? That's what I - that's why I'm trying to think about, well, I guess this could have happened if this other thing happened or that one thing didn't happen...because I feel like I have to try to understand it, I guess?
[ He's rambling. It's not even on purpose right now, he's just trying to honestly answer the question as thoroughly as he can. ]
I would have been happy for you, and I would have wanted whatever I could get from you. Kacchan, until we got here I didn't even...um, well. Being friends again seemed for so long like it was out of reach, you know?
[ And they got there. They're friends again. ]
...I never let myself think about anything beyond that until you said we should sleep together. I lost you once already, and I never want to lose you again. So...
(He can't help but clench his teeth at Izuku's response. It's not what he wants to hear either, but it's so damn like Izuku to be so selfless. He didn't want Izuku to be okay with him being with someone else. Izuku was - more mature than him, and not for the first time, he's ahead of Katsuki even with this shit.
Katsuki feels an idle roll of shame and he frowns down at the dinner he was working on and rubs the back of his hand across his forehead.)
Yeah, I know.
(And that's what he should be focusing on. Not- fucking dating stuff. He takes a deep breath again and forces himself to just - fucking. Chill.)
I didn't really think about this stuff before we got here either. (He slides his hand through his hair and sets the lid onto the pot and steps away from the stove. He turns towards Izuku, not quite looking at him, but he does gaze towards him.)
You won't lose me again, Izuku. We've moved past that.
(He raises his brows, frowning at Izuku because what's he mean by that-.)
Huh?
(Katsuki finds it easy to be jealous of possibilities because those possibilities...felt real enough. Plus, he just wasn't ever going to be okay with the idea of Izuku into others. He couldn't be happy about that.)
I mean, you were looking at him a lot. S-so...um. It just like - I mean you said you were only attracted to me but he's kind of me and I guess he's cooler looking so I would understand if you like him better?
[ This is what Izuku has been worrying about in addition to the question of who they married, by the way. ]
Those are two different things though...what either of us would do in a different situation doesn't matter as much as what we would do right now. The you right now is who I'm with - what you would or wouldn't have done before now...doesn't matter. I kind of think our choices now matter more. Um, maybe that's just me though.
[ He can't really do anything about Katsuki maybe dating someone in an alternate universe, or even in the proper timeline if they hadn't come here. He doesn't have the same claim over those versions of Katsuki, even if he might want to.
But the Katsuki here with him right now...he wants this Katsuki to look at him. ]
So, um, right now, there's two more of us? And I just...wanted to know if he's more attractive physically. I won't be upset. I mean, I'm not upset. I just, uh, wondered? I mean, I will presumably eventually look similar so I guess even if I lose now it's whatever.
[ But if they're asking those hard questions, he may as well... ]
It does matter. (Katsuki frowns at that.) You're-.
(Damn it. He bows his head low and for a second, he actually feels a bit stricken.) Forget it, Deku. It doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me and there's shit all to do about that.
(He didn't want to make himself more vulnerable than he already felt like he had. It was embarrassing as hell at this point to constantly grovel at Izuku's feet telling him how special he was to him only to get told-.
He's frowning at the ground between them and only half listening to Izuku. He looks up at the question and frowns harder because what--.)
I don't know? Is older me more attractive than me? (Did that matter?) It's just you but older. You're not losing anything. You're both good-looking in different ways. But still in a way that's you.
[ Well, he doesn't want to answer that one. The truth is that he prefers this Katsuki - the one his age. But...nothing he's saying is getting out correctly, it seems like.
Also, it's a little embarrassing to say that when it's not shared. What if that makes Katsuki feel bad about it or something? ]
Um...forget about that, it was a dumb question. But, uh - I just -
[ The other part is more important, but Izuku goes quiet, trying to figure out how to say it. How can he get it across? He knows they're both upset, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want either of them to storm off either... ]
You know, when we were kids. You could have taken my hand. In a world like that, would we have been like this?
[ He tries for an example, slowly. ]
I've thought about things that "could have" happened branching off from a million different points in my life. A lot of them with you, because you're in so much of my life. What it would have been like if I did this, or said that. What you might or might not have done. Who we might or might not have been. But...
I don't want to spend my time focused on all that. I don't want things that could have happened or happened in another universe or timeline or whatever to matter more than us in this one. Whether or not I would or wouldn't have dated someone when I don't want to date any of them, it doesn't matter to me because it isn't what I want. Sure, I can kind of see how it must have happened for him. But...it didn't for me. I don't want to miss out on time with you thinking about whether or not you would date or marry someone else in some future timeline. I just want to focus on you. And I want you to focus on me, instead of these hypotheticals of me.
(Katsuki doesn't interrupt him. He listens quietly, actually looking at Izuku again for the first time since Izuku came into the kitchen to begin with. Some of that stinging hurt began to dissipate a bit. There's still some hurt, but mostly, he's relaxing and a more somber look comes over him.)
I think about that day all of the time. And where we would have been if I had taken your hand instead. (A soft confession, his eyes shutting partway and he stares down at Izuku's hands.)
I understand why you think that way. I'm not surprised that you do. You overthink everything. I just...
(A slow, deep breath.)
I don't want to hear that you would be happy if I was with someone else. And I don't know how to act like I could be happy for you. I don't know how to act when you tell me you would date other people. I understand what you're saying. I realize that. But I don't want to feel guilty for being jealous of stuff. I don't want you to feel guilty for shit you never did either. I can't stand here and pretend like that shit doesn't hurt me when it does.
Because for me, I wouldn't be happy if you were with someone else. And for me, the hypotheticals with you matter because hypotheticals were all I've had until now. Maybe it's on me for not being able to get over shit. But I can't help but feel like this situation is happening because of the right place and the right time when I want it to happen because I'm special to you the way you're special to me.
(He rubs a hand over his face, frowning.)
And I fucking know you're right. The hypotheticals of other universes don't really matter in the grand scheme of shit. I know that. But fuck. I'm-- I'm...
(He stops. Another deep breath.)
I'm...
(Oh, God. He turns his back abruptly, suddenly bright red as he stomps back over to the stove because oh my god.)
I'm a fucking romantic, okay? God, fucking hell. Maybe I just want to hear that you'd be fucking pissed and jealous if I was fucking open to other people in some dumb hypothetical situation. The hell's so wrong with that? (He's just going to absolutely murder the shit out of his sauce.)
You're so damn selfless and wow, what do you want? A fucking cookie for saying you'd be happy for me? Fuck that. I would hate you dating other people because I fucking want you to date me and I don't give a shit if that makes me an asshole to say because hypothetically or not, I want you in every stupid fucking timeline in every fucking hypothetical.
(What a Romantic Confession????)
I'm always focused on you, dumbass nerd. You're all I fucking think about. And every iteration I meet of you, including that stupid shit sitting out on the couch out there, is a version of you that I want to be with so goddamn get over it. And for the fucking record, I do find you hotter than him because you're my version which automatically means you're better. It's not fucking rocket science. And maybe I don't wanna hear about how you could see yourself dating other people in some other timeline, but you know what?
(Creeking his head around to glare at Izuku.)
Most people fuckin' don't wanna hear that shit said by the person they like! Fucking moron. How obvious do I seriously need to be? I swear to fucking-
(These aren't even vegetables anymore. It's just...gloop. He's so embarrassed right now. This was absolutely not the way he saw himself confessing but he's just pissed okay! And!
[ How loud is he being, here. They do have company in the living room, and Izuku certainly wasn't expecting things to go...the way they are going. They've both been sort of dancing around the words, and somehow Katsuki doesn't directly say "I like you" but instead refers to Izuku as "the person [I] like" which is the same thing but way more blustery about it.
He's never thought of Katsuki as a romantic. But...the first time, when he wanted something special, Katsuki had set it up for him. So maybe that should have been obvious.
Izuku is still leaning against the counter so thankfully he remains standing, even if he's gaping by the time Katsuki actually mentions dating.
They've been playing keepaway from the topic. They've definitely both admitted they didn't want to date anyone else, but they'd kept away from confirming the other half of that... ]
I-I. Um. It's...it's, uh, I just -
[ Ohgod what if their alternates are LISTENING -
Izuku turns off the burner, grabs Katsuki's hand, and tows him outside through the back. Because while they (future) probably know what they (present) are going to be yelling at one another he just.
Needs a short minute with Katsuki here... ]
Uh -
[ His brain has stalled out. That's so much to respond to? ]
I, um, I - you're asking me out?
[ Or was that just admitting he wants to Izuku is starting from the most basic part of all this, cherry red and frantically whispering to Katsuki in their back yard. ]
That's what's happening? Or uh, is this just yelling about wanting to? I, uh - I didn't want to assume - ? I'm not saying no! I am just - uh, - the opposite but um - what? I mean - um, I don't want a cookie but I just- you being happy is important to me. You're important to me. Um -
(It's Katsuki so he's being extremely loud. At least their company is themselves...Who are probably just fucking listening in and going through the five stages of grief of having to partially relive this exact damn moment.
But they have been dancing around this. For months.
No.
For years. Katsuki never imagined a confession moment. He sure as hell didn't entertain it or think it possible. But this world had changed everything that he saw as possible and things between them had become increasingly intimate. It was so hard to not just - be in love with Izuku when they were exchanging little kisses out of the blue and Izuku sending him hearts and offering to cook him food and being fucking sweet as hell.
Katsuki wouldn't have pegged himself as a romantic either, really. He would have sneered at the very idea. But at the end of the day, he was apparently just like his mom and drove full throttle ahead when it came to a dumbass guy he liked.
He might not be a traditional romantic...but...
Fuck. He slams the pan uselessly on the stove because loud noises were soothing!!! It's really a good think Izuku has the foresight to turn off the burner and drag him outside because, yeah, Katsuki was a ticking time bomb. Pun absolutely intended.
Katsuki is just as red. Yeah. These two can have aggressive sex on a nearly regular basis but feelings - that's the embarrassing part. Okay.)
I don't fucking know! (He's so stressed that there are small micro explosions going off around his hands.)
I'm just goddamn clarifying! (He grabs Izuku by the front of his shirt and starts to shake him because yeah, of course he does.) Maybe I want your dumbass to ask me out! After all the goddamn stress you just put me through with all this hypothetical bullshit of other people. Goddamn it. If I wasn't fuckin' blonde, do you know how many gray hairs you would have given me by now between your reckless bullshit in a fight and all this bullshit about you--
(But ahh- ahh wait. He stops shaking and stares at Izuku, his expression smoothing out.)
You're the one who brought up the hypotheticals?!?!
[ They're going to get sidetracked here if they're not careful. Izuku doesn't even stop the shaking although Katsuki's palms are sparking and he likes this shirt so after a minute he grabs the blond's wrists to try to tug them free a bit...
Please leave his clothes in peace. ]
A-and of course it's a yes if that was what you were asking but you just - this is a lot to process?! And they could probably hear us -
I was trying to make a point. I just wanted to hear...
(Well, he's already explained why he was upset, so. He doesn't reiterate. He lets go of Izuku and looks down between them, feeling a strange blend of nervous and embarrassed and maybe partly resolved.)
[ ...does wanting it to be a moment just for them hit different when the other people are also them - okay, that isn't important right now. ]
...Kacchan, I will always want you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me...I'd want to be as close as I could get to you. Of course...I'd prefer it if we could be happy together. Um, but...the reason this is happening is because you made me realize it could happen. I didn't even - until you asked me to sleep with you, I never let myself...think about it really. It, um, I always - I probably always knew if I gave myself permission to think about you like that, I wouldn't be able to stop.
(Okay, yeah, he'd contest to that. He doesn't really push the subject though mostly because this other one is way more important. Plus, he has stopped yelling at least.
He...understands, is the thing. He realizes why Izuku wouldn't have ever thought them possible.)
I get it. (Softly.)
I get why you have accepted that kind of reality. Let yourself imagine me with other people and been content with that. (He reaches a hand out to lightly take one of Izuku's.)
I never gave you a reason to believe in us as a couple before we got here. And the stupid thing is, and maybe it's why I'm jealous, but back home, I knew girls liked you. I knew people had crushes on you, and I never let myself think about us together either until we got here.
(He had never been jealous back home, but like Izuku, that was just because he hadn't allowed himself the luxury of being open about his feelings with Izuku.)
I want you to be possessive of me. Because I want to be possessive of you. I want to be the one to make you happy. (He slowly slides their fingers together, staring intently at their hands, at the natural way their palms fit perfectly together.)
I wish I had grabbed your hand back then. (He brings Izuku's hand up to kiss his knuckles, closing his eyes.)
But I know you're right. We can't control what happened in the past or what would happen in other timelines. I can take your hand now. (He looks up at Izuku, his eyes shining red.)
That's all that matters to me too. I'm...sorry...I didn't know how to tell you that sooner...And I'm sorry if...I made you feel bad because of it. I wasn't...I just...Didn't know how to say all of this without being nervous about fucking shit up. But I don't want to make you look like I'm about to hit you either just 'cause I'm fucking insecure about where we stand.
I'm insecure too. [ Just...usually in a less jealous way somehow. Maybe because Izuku hasn't really considered he has competition at home; he's sure people like Katsuki, but he's always assumed that. And here...
Maybe he gets a little bit pouty when Katsuki cooks for other people, but he also volunteers Katsuki's cooking for others to try, so.
He flips his wrist, forcing Katsuki's hand to turn over, their heartbeat marks facing up.
They're both pounding. Unsteady lines. ]
I want to be the person you like most. I do...I just, um, I've been laser focused on you here I guess. I'm sorry for making you feel insecure. And...I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling jealous. Um, but...you should know that...there isn't anyone for you to be jealous of.
[ Here or at home.
...Well, maybe All Might... ]
You're the only person I want like that, Kacchan. And...um, you win against future you, too.
You don't seem it with us. (But also Izuku was always the nicer of the two of them. His insecurity probably just looked different. It would probably make Katsuki a little happy to know Izuku got jealous too...)
You never seemed to care at the idea of me being into other people.
(Which is where he felt hurt.)
It's hard to hear you say all that shit, I guess. I know it's dumb. I know it's healthier that you want me to be happy even if it's not with you. I just...I hate that you'd be okay with that.
(Or something.)
You're always the person I like the most. I mean, fuck. I don't even contemplate the possibilities with other people even in some weird abstract. I think I got really hung up on the fact that you can imagine other shit.
(And...Katsuki couldn't.)
I can't ask you to change your feelings. But I'm never going to be okay with the fact that you'd be okay with me being happy with someone else. I can't change that any more than I can change you. I just want us to be equals and maybe I felt like we aren't- weren't equals when it comes to this shit. I think maybe...I thought it all meant I liked you more than you liked me.
(He's not SAYING That's how it is, he's just explaining his thought process.)
I fuckin' better. I wanna win against everyone else anywhere else.
Um...Kacchan, think about how we both act when we lose at something. Like...a video game or whatever. This is - it matters way more than that, but.
[ Katsuki has always been a sore loser. He's been muzzled on live television for throwing a hissy fit over a perceived imperfect victory.
...Izuku doesn't do that! He usually compliments other people on their victories and the like. ]
We, um, we've always had pretty drastically different ways of dealing with losses. The fact I don't have a meltdown about it doesn't mean I enjoy losing. We're almost never going to process or react to situations in the same exact way emotionally speaking.
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Katsuki snorts at the very idea of all that nonsense.)
Hell no. (At least he didn't really think so. He can't imagine it. But maybe he did, in some universe, get over Izuku if Izuku got with someone else.)
But I also wouldn't just say yes to whoever asked me out just 'cause they care about me. (Then again...) Or maybe I would back home. I dunno. I've never had anyone ask me out either so the fuck do I know.
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[ While fighting off a lot of fears he's not sure he can share with Katsuki. Even just talking about this feels hard.
He's scared Katsuki is blaming him for it. It's...hard to tell if Katsuki is just angry at the thought of the future, or if he's back to being angry at Izuku for something that isn't happening right now. It feels weirdly like being on trial about his feelings, and he's not sure how to get them across. Does a future alternate version of himself dating someone else mean Katsuki's going to hold it against him, or...he can tell Katsuki is trying to be calm, but he can also tell Katsuki isn't happy.
He trails off, debating what to say. The fear and hesitance is obvious in his hunched shoulder posture, in the way he's looking at their kitchen floor. ]
G-going on a few dates with someone...isn't exactly...I mean, it's...maybe I would have agreed to go on a date with someone else if you hadn't been here, but...that doesn't mean it would have gone anywhere. And...I, um. I don't think it ever could have. Not unless...something was very different.
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Mostly because at the end of the day, Katsuki wasn't a liar and had no interest in being one. Even if it was maybe for the best sometimes. And okay, he was avoiding being completely honest by just confessing.)
Yeah. (A mumble. He sighs.)
You don't gotta look like I'm gonna chew off your head for it. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. (He...hated it! But like.)
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[ Izuku holds up his hands. ]
How I feel is that...I don't want to date anyone from our class back home...or, uh, anyone we've met here. Whatever the older me did, I...don't think he's married to one of our classmates.
[ He can't be sure. But...he's kind of sure. ]
Um. Even if he was, it wouldn't be the future I want.
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(So.)
How would you feel if I was open to dating other people?
(A blunt question because, well, he had to deal with listening to Izuku talk about how he would date other people under certain circumstances, so! A fair question maybe. And he stares at Izuku when he asks it.)
In general. Not right now, obviously. But what if I was standing here telling you maybe I would have dated other people too?
(Thing is - Katsuki was fairly sure of who future him was married to as well because, unlike Izuku, he really can't imagine saying yes to a date with anyone but Izuku.)
Okay. Then what is the future you want?
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[ Dating other people. He can see how it would have happened. He can even picture Katsuki dating someone else - he always kind of figured Katsuki would just ace romance if he ever decided he wanted it, and of course it probably would be with someone amazing... ]
And, uh. I guess I - I always figured you would. Until...er, when you told me you didn't have...an interest. I mean, I never thought you were into anyone in particular, but I just always assumed someday you'd get a - well, I assumed a girlfriend or a boyfriend because I didn't know until we got here you were exclusively into guys? So I just kind of assumed, er, well, when we were kids I figured it would be someone strong and cool, and I decided I would be happy for you if you were happy. I thought about it sometimes. I think about almost everything a lot? That's what I - that's why I'm trying to think about, well, I guess this could have happened if this other thing happened or that one thing didn't happen...because I feel like I have to try to understand it, I guess?
[ He's rambling. It's not even on purpose right now, he's just trying to honestly answer the question as thoroughly as he can. ]
I would have been happy for you, and I would have wanted whatever I could get from you. Kacchan, until we got here I didn't even...um, well. Being friends again seemed for so long like it was out of reach, you know?
[ And they got there. They're friends again. ]
...I never let myself think about anything beyond that until you said we should sleep together. I lost you once already, and I never want to lose you again. So...
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Katsuki feels an idle roll of shame and he frowns down at the dinner he was working on and rubs the back of his hand across his forehead.)
Yeah, I know.
(And that's what he should be focusing on. Not- fucking dating stuff. He takes a deep breath again and forces himself to just - fucking. Chill.)
I didn't really think about this stuff before we got here either. (He slides his hand through his hair and sets the lid onto the pot and steps away from the stove. He turns towards Izuku, not quite looking at him, but he does gaze towards him.)
You won't lose me again, Izuku. We've moved past that.
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[ That's not quite the question he means to ask. It's more stupid than that. He knows Katsuki was kind of staring at the other him and like... ]
Um. Do you think I'm more attractive than the other me?
[ He finds it hard to be jealous of possibilities or maybes but he is kind of worried Katsuki thinks his older self is hotter. ]
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(He raises his brows, frowning at Izuku because what's he mean by that-.)
Huh?
(Katsuki finds it easy to be jealous of possibilities because those possibilities...felt real enough. Plus, he just wasn't ever going to be okay with the idea of Izuku into others. He couldn't be happy about that.)
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[ This is what Izuku has been worrying about in addition to the question of who they married, by the way. ]
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You're over here talkin' about how you'd be happy if I was with someone else but you're upset over me thinking about you being hot when you're older?
(He feels a spike of irritation and scowls at Izuku.)
I don't even fuckin' know him. How would I like him better? For all I know he's annoying as shit.
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[ He can't really do anything about Katsuki maybe dating someone in an alternate universe, or even in the proper timeline if they hadn't come here. He doesn't have the same claim over those versions of Katsuki, even if he might want to.
But the Katsuki here with him right now...he wants this Katsuki to look at him. ]
So, um, right now, there's two more of us? And I just...wanted to know if he's more attractive physically. I won't be upset. I mean, I'm not upset. I just, uh, wondered? I mean, I will presumably eventually look similar so I guess even if I lose now it's whatever.
[ But if they're asking those hard questions, he may as well... ]
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(Damn it. He bows his head low and for a second, he actually feels a bit stricken.) Forget it, Deku. It doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me and there's shit all to do about that.
(He didn't want to make himself more vulnerable than he already felt like he had. It was embarrassing as hell at this point to constantly grovel at Izuku's feet telling him how special he was to him only to get told-.
He's frowning at the ground between them and only half listening to Izuku. He looks up at the question and frowns harder because what--.)
I don't know? Is older me more attractive than me? (Did that matter?) It's just you but older. You're not losing anything. You're both good-looking in different ways. But still in a way that's you.
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Also, it's a little embarrassing to say that when it's not shared. What if that makes Katsuki feel bad about it or something? ]
Um...forget about that, it was a dumb question. But, uh - I just -
[ The other part is more important, but Izuku goes quiet, trying to figure out how to say it. How can he get it across? He knows they're both upset, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want either of them to storm off either... ]
You know, when we were kids. You could have taken my hand. In a world like that, would we have been like this?
[ He tries for an example, slowly. ]
I've thought about things that "could have" happened branching off from a million different points in my life. A lot of them with you, because you're in so much of my life. What it would have been like if I did this, or said that. What you might or might not have done. Who we might or might not have been. But...
I don't want to spend my time focused on all that. I don't want things that could have happened or happened in another universe or timeline or whatever to matter more than us in this one. Whether or not I would or wouldn't have dated someone when I don't want to date any of them, it doesn't matter to me because it isn't what I want. Sure, I can kind of see how it must have happened for him. But...it didn't for me. I don't want to miss out on time with you thinking about whether or not you would date or marry someone else in some future timeline. I just want to focus on you. And I want you to focus on me, instead of these hypotheticals of me.
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I think about that day all of the time. And where we would have been if I had taken your hand instead. (A soft confession, his eyes shutting partway and he stares down at Izuku's hands.)
I understand why you think that way. I'm not surprised that you do. You overthink everything. I just...
(A slow, deep breath.)
I don't want to hear that you would be happy if I was with someone else. And I don't know how to act like I could be happy for you. I don't know how to act when you tell me you would date other people. I understand what you're saying. I realize that. But I don't want to feel guilty for being jealous of stuff. I don't want you to feel guilty for shit you never did either. I can't stand here and pretend like that shit doesn't hurt me when it does.
Because for me, I wouldn't be happy if you were with someone else. And for me, the hypotheticals with you matter because hypotheticals were all I've had until now. Maybe it's on me for not being able to get over shit. But I can't help but feel like this situation is happening because of the right place and the right time when I want it to happen because I'm special to you the way you're special to me.
(He rubs a hand over his face, frowning.)
And I fucking know you're right. The hypotheticals of other universes don't really matter in the grand scheme of shit. I know that. But fuck. I'm-- I'm...
(He stops. Another deep breath.)
I'm...
(Oh, God. He turns his back abruptly, suddenly bright red as he stomps back over to the stove because oh my god.)
I'm a fucking romantic, okay? God, fucking hell. Maybe I just want to hear that you'd be fucking pissed and jealous if I was fucking open to other people in some dumb hypothetical situation. The hell's so wrong with that? (He's just going to absolutely murder the shit out of his sauce.)
You're so damn selfless and wow, what do you want? A fucking cookie for saying you'd be happy for me? Fuck that. I would hate you dating other people because I fucking want you to date me and I don't give a shit if that makes me an asshole to say because hypothetically or not, I want you in every stupid fucking timeline in every fucking hypothetical.
(What a Romantic Confession????)
I'm always focused on you, dumbass nerd. You're all I fucking think about. And every iteration I meet of you, including that stupid shit sitting out on the couch out there, is a version of you that I want to be with so goddamn get over it. And for the fucking record, I do find you hotter than him because you're my version which automatically means you're better. It's not fucking rocket science. And maybe I don't wanna hear about how you could see yourself dating other people in some other timeline, but you know what?
(Creeking his head around to glare at Izuku.)
Most people fuckin' don't wanna hear that shit said by the person they like! Fucking moron. How obvious do I seriously need to be? I swear to fucking-
(These aren't even vegetables anymore. It's just...gloop. He's so embarrassed right now. This was absolutely not the way he saw himself confessing but he's just pissed okay! And!
Mostly embarrassed, actually, but like.)
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He's never thought of Katsuki as a romantic. But...the first time, when he wanted something special, Katsuki had set it up for him. So maybe that should have been obvious.
Izuku is still leaning against the counter so thankfully he remains standing, even if he's gaping by the time Katsuki actually mentions dating.
They've been playing keepaway from the topic. They've definitely both admitted they didn't want to date anyone else, but they'd kept away from confirming the other half of that... ]
I-I. Um. It's...it's, uh, I just -
[ Ohgod what if their alternates are LISTENING -
Izuku turns off the burner, grabs Katsuki's hand, and tows him outside through the back. Because while they (future) probably know what they (present) are going to be yelling at one another he just.
Needs a short minute with Katsuki here... ]
Uh -
[ His brain has stalled out. That's so much to respond to? ]
I, um, I - you're asking me out?
[ Or was that just admitting he wants to Izuku is starting from the most basic part of all this, cherry red and frantically whispering to Katsuki in their back yard. ]
That's what's happening? Or uh, is this just yelling about wanting to? I, uh - I didn't want to assume - ? I'm not saying no! I am just - uh, - the opposite but um - what? I mean - um, I don't want a cookie but I just- you being happy is important to me. You're important to me. Um -
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But they have been dancing around this. For months.
No.
For years. Katsuki never imagined a confession moment. He sure as hell didn't entertain it or think it possible. But this world had changed everything that he saw as possible and things between them had become increasingly intimate. It was so hard to not just - be in love with Izuku when they were exchanging little kisses out of the blue and Izuku sending him hearts and offering to cook him food and being fucking sweet as hell.
Katsuki wouldn't have pegged himself as a romantic either, really. He would have sneered at the very idea. But at the end of the day, he was apparently just like his mom and drove full throttle ahead when it came to a dumbass guy he liked.
He might not be a traditional romantic...but...
Fuck. He slams the pan uselessly on the stove because loud noises were soothing!!! It's really a good think Izuku has the foresight to turn off the burner and drag him outside because, yeah, Katsuki was a ticking time bomb. Pun absolutely intended.
Katsuki is just as red. Yeah. These two can have aggressive sex on a nearly regular basis but feelings - that's the embarrassing part. Okay.)
I don't fucking know! (He's so stressed that there are small micro explosions going off around his hands.)
I'm just goddamn clarifying! (He grabs Izuku by the front of his shirt and starts to shake him because yeah, of course he does.) Maybe I want your dumbass to ask me out! After all the goddamn stress you just put me through with all this hypothetical bullshit of other people. Goddamn it. If I wasn't fuckin' blonde, do you know how many gray hairs you would have given me by now between your reckless bullshit in a fight and all this bullshit about you--
(But ahh- ahh wait. He stops shaking and stares at Izuku, his expression smoothing out.)
Wait, the opposite?
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[ They're going to get sidetracked here if they're not careful. Izuku doesn't even stop the shaking although Katsuki's palms are sparking and he likes this shirt so after a minute he grabs the blond's wrists to try to tug them free a bit...
Please leave his clothes in peace. ]
A-and of course it's a yes if that was what you were asking but you just - this is a lot to process?! And they could probably hear us -
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I was trying to make a point. I just wanted to hear...
(Well, he's already explained why he was upset, so. He doesn't reiterate. He lets go of Izuku and looks down between them, feeling a strange blend of nervous and embarrassed and maybe partly resolved.)
I don't care if they hear us.
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[ ...does wanting it to be a moment just for them hit different when the other people are also them - okay, that isn't important right now. ]
...Kacchan, I will always want you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me...I'd want to be as close as I could get to you. Of course...I'd prefer it if we could be happy together. Um, but...the reason this is happening is because you made me realize it could happen. I didn't even - until you asked me to sleep with you, I never let myself...think about it really. It, um, I always - I probably always knew if I gave myself permission to think about you like that, I wouldn't be able to stop.
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He...understands, is the thing. He realizes why Izuku wouldn't have ever thought them possible.)
I get it. (Softly.)
I get why you have accepted that kind of reality. Let yourself imagine me with other people and been content with that. (He reaches a hand out to lightly take one of Izuku's.)
I never gave you a reason to believe in us as a couple before we got here. And the stupid thing is, and maybe it's why I'm jealous, but back home, I knew girls liked you. I knew people had crushes on you, and I never let myself think about us together either until we got here.
(He had never been jealous back home, but like Izuku, that was just because he hadn't allowed himself the luxury of being open about his feelings with Izuku.)
I want you to be possessive of me. Because I want to be possessive of you. I want to be the one to make you happy. (He slowly slides their fingers together, staring intently at their hands, at the natural way their palms fit perfectly together.)
I wish I had grabbed your hand back then. (He brings Izuku's hand up to kiss his knuckles, closing his eyes.)
But I know you're right. We can't control what happened in the past or what would happen in other timelines. I can take your hand now. (He looks up at Izuku, his eyes shining red.)
That's all that matters to me too. I'm...sorry...I didn't know how to tell you that sooner...And I'm sorry if...I made you feel bad because of it. I wasn't...I just...Didn't know how to say all of this without being nervous about fucking shit up. But I don't want to make you look like I'm about to hit you either just 'cause I'm fucking insecure about where we stand.
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Maybe he gets a little bit pouty when Katsuki cooks for other people, but he also volunteers Katsuki's cooking for others to try, so.
He flips his wrist, forcing Katsuki's hand to turn over, their heartbeat marks facing up.
They're both pounding. Unsteady lines. ]
I want to be the person you like most. I do...I just, um, I've been laser focused on you here I guess. I'm sorry for making you feel insecure. And...I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling jealous. Um, but...you should know that...there isn't anyone for you to be jealous of.
[ Here or at home.
...Well, maybe All Might... ]
You're the only person I want like that, Kacchan. And...um, you win against future you, too.
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You never seemed to care at the idea of me being into other people.
(Which is where he felt hurt.)
It's hard to hear you say all that shit, I guess. I know it's dumb. I know it's healthier that you want me to be happy even if it's not with you. I just...I hate that you'd be okay with that.
(Or something.)
You're always the person I like the most. I mean, fuck. I don't even contemplate the possibilities with other people even in some weird abstract. I think I got really hung up on the fact that you can imagine other shit.
(And...Katsuki couldn't.)
I can't ask you to change your feelings. But I'm never going to be okay with the fact that you'd be okay with me being happy with someone else. I can't change that any more than I can change you. I just want us to be equals and maybe I felt like we aren't- weren't equals when it comes to this shit. I think maybe...I thought it all meant I liked you more than you liked me.
(He's not SAYING That's how it is, he's just explaining his thought process.)
I fuckin' better. I wanna win against everyone else anywhere else.
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[ Katsuki has always been a sore loser. He's been muzzled on live television for throwing a hissy fit over a perceived imperfect victory.
...Izuku doesn't do that! He usually compliments other people on their victories and the like. ]
We, um, we've always had pretty drastically different ways of dealing with losses. The fact I don't have a meltdown about it doesn't mean I enjoy losing. We're almost never going to process or react to situations in the same exact way emotionally speaking.
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...You...
(FFFFFFFFFFFFMDFBD.)
Have a point.
(Yeah okay Izuku's got him. He drops his head down against Izuku's shoulder and...kind of...has to laugh. At himself, mostly.)
I ain't having a meltdown. (He ABSOLUTELY is - or okay, was. He's better now. He picks his head back up. He...really...was the world's sorest loser.)
Fuckin...All right, yeah. Okay. (Guh.)
Sorry. (Because. Yeah.)
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tragically I'm falling asleep...
Re: tragically I'm falling asleep...
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❤️
❤️
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